Deep Impact

UGH! My husband is making me sit through this God awful movie! It’s so stupid!!! I love some of these actors, like Robert Duvall, but great actors don’t necessarily mean great movie…there has to be a great story and plot too and a great director, and this film lacked in those departments.

Anyway, went to the Dr. yesterday, I’m pissed, she won’t do my disability paperwork. So I’m kinda stuck until I can see an ortho, I can’t see the one I’m already seeing until the end of June…but I am working on trying to get in to see someone else for a second opinion about when I can have the surgery. I spent most of yesterday just in tears, because I was so angry with her. I’m frustrated and I feel no one wants to help me.

I’m bored…I went and looked up barsoomian stuff, I was originally looking for tattoo designs, I want a red man/girl tattoo…I think I’ll design my own…anyway, so then I found a barsoomian name generator, Amanda Britton of Mars would be Dajahthor. lol Kinda ironic since my fave superhero is Thor. hehe :-p I think I may need to read the Princess of Mars Dejah Thoris books!

Keep me in your thoughts and/or prayers…whatever works for you, for this whole thing…I think I need it.

Good day, love…………

I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of really anything…

So I don’t know what, I’m writing about today I just feel like writing, so here goes, free flowing and may not make much sense in the end, but it’s my site, so I really don’t care.

I wrote a pen pal letter to my bestie, Tay, yesterday. I got creative, it was fun, turned into a sort of art project in a way, I need to do one last thing to it and then I gotta take it directly to the post office, I don’t want it going through their smashy machines. Plus I don’t want a regular stamp on it…lol

I am going to work on mom’s paintings, they were what I gave her for xmas, technically, I just never had time to get to them, and I do now, being home, and sitting on the couch is perfect for watercolor painting.

I really miss Christian, they’re off touring Europe, and this is the first spring/summer in 6 years with no Christian…makes me really sad. Not that I could stand at Dante’s or Duke’s in this condition, but still. I’d find myself a seat. Kane is always a therapy session. And I have my Track 29 and Angel ink to show him.

On a Christian related note…sort of…I’ve been watching Hellraiser movies…I love slasher/horror flicks, and they just don’t make ‘em like they used to…anyway, so anyone who knows of Hellraiser, which is like anyone over the age of 20, knows Pinhead is the main character…well, in #2 you find out he wasn’t always pinhead, he was human once, and in #3 Hellbound, you actually meet his human side, a Captain in the Army during Vietnam, named Elliot Spencer. Well, if you don’t know anything about Christian, you going how does that relate to him? Well, he was on the show Leverage, and that was his character’s name. In fact I named my Siamese cat after the character. I just thought it was quite an interesting coincidence.

I need new Taylor too….I watched John Carter again last night…I can’t bring myself to watch Savages again, that movies had too much violence(ie: heads cut off) even for me, and oddly I love a good blood bath…so I keep watching John Carter, because they took Battleship off, but it will be back next weekend…lol here is what he has up coming:

2014 The Normal Heart (TV movie) (pre-production) Bruce Niles

2014 Almost Heroes 3D (filming) Sam

2013 The Grand Seduction (filming) Dr. Lewis

2013 Lone Survivor (post-production) Mike Murphy

And November, for Thor 2, REALLY??? I mean COME ON??? That’s still 6 months away…you’re killin’ me people! I need some new Chris Hemsworth too. Or maybe it’s just him as Thor I need…I dunno, I’m looking forward to Snow White and The Huntsman’s second installment as well, I really enjoyed that movie despite the fact that Kristen Stewart had to redeem herself, I feel she did.

But Waiting for Taylor seems to be killing me more than Chris…lol How did they flip flop…and when??? I dunno, I mean I love Chris Hemsworth, he’s gorgeous and amazing! But there is just something about Taylor Kitsch, that even Christian doesn’t have…and if you know me, you know that speaks VOLUMES!!! That smile that lights up, not just his face but, sets his eyes ablaze, green eyes, like mine…that voice that could stop me dead in my tracks. That body! And then that something else that I can’t put my finger on…he’s just *RAAAAWWWWWRRRRR* hehe I guess he’s my #1 secret boyfriend, as J would say.

Alright enough of that…quick change the subject before I start drooling on my laptop…lol

I’m in a lot of pain again today. I don’t know how I’m tolerating this pain at all anymore…you know I have said for a while that I loved having Kaiser, they were great, and now I feel like I hate them, and they are not great…I’m having a horrible experience with this surgeon.

My grandfather was in the navy in WWII, however, and I have a box chalk full of his things, his discharge papers maybe in there, and if they are my mom and I may actually be able to get that USAA insurance, I see the commercials all the time and I don’t know why it never occurred to me to ask, my mom suggested it, probably because mamaw did… if that is possible I may be able to get better treatment. I would lose my psychiatrist, she’s the only one I care about at Kaiser, but I guess finding a new psych is a small price to pay for seeking better treatment for my hip.

Let me leave you with this today…

“Crystal Ball”
Written & Performed by: P!nk

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head cascading up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I’ve had my chances and I’ve taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I’m not scared at all…hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I’m learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I’ve felt that fire and I’ve been burned
But I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned
I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I’m not scared at all…hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it’s done to me.
What is done…done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cats cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I’ll meet you there.

But I’m not scared at all, hmm…I’m not scared at all.

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

 

 

Good day, Love…………..

I don’t know if I can yell any louder…

I’m broken, literally, my body, and figuratively, my spirit. I haven’t moved all day from this spot on the couch except to get food/water and to pee, it hurts so much. I have to call my supervisor tomorrow with an update, I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell her.

All I can say is how bad the pain is, and that I’m using crutches to get around now, that no one will give me any real pain medication, only anti-inflammatory, but will she believe me? That’s the issue with a disability no one can see. Other than the limp I had forever…now though that limp is something far worse, a hobble at best, in desperate need of my crutches.

I’ve got a migraine right now, I don’t know what caused it, I think it might be because of how much pain I’ve been in I get tense so then that causes the headache. I wish I had someone here to help me during the day…like when I had to go somewhere…or even to keep me company…I’m getting so effing board…

I feel like this right now…I’m in a funk again, because of all of this, that’s why I keep crying.

“Glitter In The Air”
Written and Performed by: P!nk

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care”?

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight

I still don’t feel any better, but tomorrow is a new day, so maybe I will then…

Black gold and coals open up the throttle…

to get me the hell away from that Mason Dixon line…………….well, it’s the song on now, Track 29 ~ Christian Kane ~ My song, the song on my banner, inked on my arm forever, “sorry to burn so unexpectedly…” though he didn’t write it about me, it feels like he did.

Anyway, not the purpose of my writing….I need to vent about my hip and pain. So I was using a can, and that became not enough. I can’t weight bare on it anymore without nearly coming to tears. I had to get crutches, yes, I said crutches…I have to walk everywhere on crutches, and I don’t know for how long. My orthopedic surgeon is an absolute pain in my ass. He wants me to get my BMI down to 30. That will be easier for my recovery. How in the hell am I supposed to lose that much weight??? I can’t exercise. Like AT ALL. The 20 lbs I have lost have simply been because Jason has changed what we eat. I just calculated it, my BMI is now at 37, down from 41. I mean that’s a good start. And I understand where he’s coming from I truly do, it makes perfect sense, but he isn’t listening to where I’m coming from. I’m having to try to get on disability. I can’t do my job with this much pain, I can’t do my job on crutches. I need the surgery, to rehab and recover and then I can exercise and lose more weight and then once I did, I would so keep it off this time. I would bust my ass to keep it off, because I’ve always battled with it, and I want to make sure this new joint lasts as long as possible and that my other hip doesn’t go bad early. But he’s so fucking stubborn, he knows everything, but he doesn’t know my body, I know my body and I know what I’m going through and it hurts, so much. I just want it over with, I don’t want pain anymore, I’m tired of not living my life because of this. I’m in tears now. I can’t even get a damn pain killer, my PCP only gives me meloxicam, which is the same thing as advil and aleve and doesn’t do shit…it’s not the tissue down there that hurts, its the bone on bone grinding of my ball and socket, yeah, I have no cartilage left down there at all…and right now it’s throbbing all the way down my right leg…

I have an appt to see my PCP on Monday, but I don’t know if she’ll fill any thing out for disability…and I can’t get in to see my ortho moron for another month and a half, and I have a week to get my paperwork in….

This is the most excruciating pain I’ve ever known, and I’ve known pain. I started having migraines at 8yrs old. I burned my leg on the exhaust pipe of my uncle’s Harley…nasty 3rd degree burn. I slit my thumb clean open doing wood carving in college…half-way to the bone. I have 14 tattoos, and over time I’ve had 9 piercings. I have a high tolerance for pain. This I can no longer tolerate. I can’t go to Chyann’s volleyball games anymore, I can’t sit in the bleachers. I can’t walk my dog. I can’t do anything fun. I am basically house bound…it hurts to drive, I’ve done it a few times because I have to go get RXs and I’ll have to go to the Dr. on Monday. But this just isn’t fair. It’s so much easier when you like your dr. And this douche bag, I really don’t care for.

Why was I born like this? I mean I got the shit cards on every fucking side here really…migraines, bipolar, and then a birth defect in my hip where is never developed into the correct rounded shape, but stayed the funny shape it is when you’re born and now I’m going through all this bullshit!!!

John Carter

So, to watch this repeatedly, makes me a complete and utter nerd. This I know…I like these kind of fantasy movies and I read fantasy books, even if it bombed in theaters…I could care less. Then there IS John Carter, himself. Oh my, be still my beating heart, let me count the ways how I do LOVE Taylor Kitsch!